Setting Healthy Boundaries

By Reverend Robin A. Hannon
Abiding Love Weddings
Ellicott City, Maryland

 While this is not exactly a wedding topic I thought I would share.
In the last year, I started to take inventory of the people that had come into my life as friends. As I sat and pondered I realized that my “friends” were in some way takers, but not givers.  Without being too harsh they were narcissistic. It was a distressing light bulb moment for me.  Some of these friends were ten years in the running, others at least five years or more. 
What I realized was that if a relationship was not reciprocal, then that relationship was unhealthy and it was important to end it.  At first, I thought perhaps I could save the friendships, but how do you have a friendship where one party is completely self-involved? When I looked at it carefully, these friends only came around when they wanted or needed something. Once they got whatever it was they wanted they were often unavailable to me.  When they were available every conversation and everything we did seemed to revolve around them. 
The hardest thing I ever did was to talk to those friends and proceed to explain that the friendship was over.  Because I am a soft-hearted person it really made me feel bad. I was absolutely cringing.  What made it even more difficult was that the people involved truly didn’t see the wrong in their actions. 
One of the things I’ve learned in this process is to also never do business with a friend. It is very difficult to set the right boundary without upsetting the friendship in some way.  Friends seem to think it’s their right to demand more of you than anyone else.  I make jewelry and it’s a hobby but it’s also a business I run.  If a friend did not like a necklace or gift I made, I would hope they would not look a gift horse in the mouth.  After all, think about this, we all at some point have had to give wedding gifts, birthday gifts, baby shower gifts and the like.  Imagine the chagrin we would feel if someone held up our gift in front of others and said, “I don’t like this take this back and return it.” That would be completely out of bounds, yet our friends expect us to give our professional time and expertise for free.  It is my opinion that the healthy boundary is the word no in this case.  I hate to say it, but there are times when you give an inch and people will take a mile.
If you are someone who loves to give, it’s a hard concept to learn and understand that the word "no", is not necessarily a bad thing.  It’s ok to set good and healthy boundaries for yourself. When you give out it's important to make sure your relationships are reciprocal.  Do not be afraid to stand up for yourself if someone crosses a line.




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